


Am I a believer? Or, Eddie Kaspbrak’s Almost Epiphanies

by placetne



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Basically I listened to The Monkees and this happened, Canon Compliant, Closeted Character, During the 27 Years (IT), Eddie Kaspbrak Figures Out He Can Fall in Love, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak character study, Eddie calls Myra “Marty”, Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Myra is smothering but not abusive, Stanley Uris Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:49:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28919346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/placetne/pseuds/placetne
Summary: During the 27 years, Eddie feels the lack of something...or someone. Until he fights a clown and figures it out.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Myra Kaspbrak, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sandy/Richie Tozier, Steve Covall & Richie Tozier
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	1. What’s the use in trying?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi y’all! I heard “I’m a Believer” by The Monkees on the radio then wrote this in my notes app. It is so fun and triumphant, but has this sad implied prologue. So I wrote a sad implied prologue for Eddie. It has 5 baby chapters that are all already written. I hope y’all enjoy, and please let me know if I need to add any additional tags.

Eddie was in the bathroom at work.

And he had been there for at least 10 minutes, an uncomfortable amount of time. But today was a bad day, a day when he felt like he saw his life stretching out before him, endless and meaningless and repetitive. When the thought of getting up and making himself his morning protein shake every week day for the next 30 years made him want to crawl out of his skin. He couldn’t remember ever feeling hopeful; he simply swung from floating through life to chafing at the idea of going on for even one more day. Most people he knew talked about their childhood fantasies—sports star, famous actor, millionaire. Eddie had no memory of anything like that. He vaguely remembered enjoying bike rides and perhaps even swimming. But nothing that had lit his soul on fire. No one that had lit his soul on fire.

He tried to control his breathing as his thoughts came back around to what had triggered this particular bathroom breakdown. Tonight was the night. He and Marty had been dating for the requisite 18 months. She had sent him an email outlining the appropriate ring selection. And now, that ring was sitting in his desk in preparation for tonight. He had made reservations. He had ordered flowers. He was wearing her favorite suit. And the thought of following through had him on the verge of a panic attack. 

Now 15 minutes into his bathroom break, Eddie decided to blame food poisoning and head out for the day. If he was going to have a breakdown, he might as well do it in the fresh air. 

After a convincing performance to his supervisor (faking sick was one thing that Ma had inadvertently taught him), Eddie left the building, bought an ice cream, and walked to his favorite park. He stared into the reflecting pool until he felt droplets of ice cream on his hand. 

He snapped back to himself and decided to do what he did best—organize. He pulled out his phone, opened his notes app, and titled a new note:

Marriage Analysis

Pros:  
1\. He and Marty got along well. She understood his health anxiety, and he understood hers. They enjoyed similar movies and restaurants. He felt secure with her.

2\. All C-suite executives had pretty blonde wives. Having Marty on his arm would make him look like the perfect candidate for a promotion. 

3\. The timing was good. He was 34. She was 31. It was time to settle down. 

4\. Marty keeps her home in a state similar to his. (Does caring about a woman’s housekeeping ability make him a misogynist? Google later.)

Cons:  
1\. He wasn’t “in love” with Marty the way people in movies loved each other. But he had never felt that way about anyone—therefore not sure if this con is relevant.

2\. Marty’s family was too much for him. But wouldn’t joining anyone’s family be a weird and imperfect process?

3\. He went through a phase in college. A phase had no bearing on his current life though.

4\. They would have to work through combining finances and property.

Eddie gave a sigh as he read through his list. It seemed his only unequivocal reservation was logistical. Throwing away two years of relationship over logistics seemed flighty; something Eddie was decidedly not. There were worse things in life than marrying a woman you cared about and not being a Kinsey Scale 0. And trying to find a new relationship, starting from scratch, at 34 would require more bravery than Eddie possessed. Satisfactory was better than being alone at his age. Besides, men benefited from marriage, regardless of whether it was perfectly happy, according to research about physical and emotional health. He was pretty sure he had seen a TEDtalk about that. 

Eddie gave himself 3 more minutes to feel dissatisfied with his life. After that, he would get up, go home, and get ready to start the next phase of his life. Everyone had moments of doubt. And everyone made it through them without blowing up their lives. 

Eddie would be no different.


	2. All you get is pain

_Sandy Witherspoon and Richie Tozier Split!_

_Witherspoon, the newly-minted bisexual icon and lawyer to the stars, has left comedian Richie Tozier in the dust. She has always been out of his league, which Tozier has often alluded to in his stand-up. After coming out six months ago, reps for Witherspoon have confirmed that she and Tozier split amicably earlier this month. When asked for comment, they simply said, “Sandy will be forever grateful to Richie for helping her on her journey of self-discovery. They have forged a friendship that will last a lifetime.”_

_Tozier appears to be struggling more with the breakup, as he has been spotted flirting with public intoxication charges at least 6 times in the past month. His representatives declined to comment, though Tozier has tweeted, using a play on his “Trashmouth” persona: “Dumpster diving is fun but fleeting.” Perhaps Richie’s next relationship should be with rehab?_

Eddie never bought trashy magazines at the airport. He had popped into the duty-free shop to grab his usual guilty pleasure, a paperback horror or thriller novel. He had the latest Denbrough tucked under his arm. But the photo of Richie Tozier on the cover had caught his eye. He felt he could read his expression—sad, resigned, lonely. The quoted tweet seemed a weak cover for that bone-deep loneliness.

Eddie shook himself out of it and paid for his book. But he kept stewing over that blurb of an article all throughout his flight. Why had his psyche chosen to project on a shock jock turned stand up that he didn’t even like? Why did he feel so sure he was right? He kept picking at the thought all through the flight. He finally decided it must be a desperate grasp for companionship in the sterile, liminal airport environment.

By the time he picked up his luggage, he had completely forgotten the unsettling feeling of knowing a stranger deeply.


	3. When I needed sunshine

Eddie hated Las Vegas. It was dirty and loud and expensive and tiring. But he had been on a lot of business trips lately, and he had wanted to go all out for his and Marty’s anniversary to make up for it. And she had always wanted to go to Las Vegas. 

Currently, Marty was at the spa. She would be at the spa most of the day, and Eddie was incapable of laying around a hotel room all day. So, he was wandering around the casino floor with, he was sure, a bad case of what his newest administrative assistant called “resting bitch face.”

He wandered vaguely over to a row of slot machines, figuring he could kill some time there. He physically recoiled when he saw a clown-themed machine on the row he had chosen. Eddie did not care what McDonald’s was trying to sell the world, clowns were deeply unsettling. 

He walked one row over, selected an 80s-themed machine, and sat down to play for a bit. 

He soon heard a loud, forcefully jovial voice. Turning instinctively, he saw the source of the noise was a man who could have been his brother—short, dark-haired, pinched expression. He seemed to be in the middle of a discussion with the hotel manager.

“When has he ever let you down? He’s been here a million times, he trusts your team to run a sound check without him, Rob. He will be there with bells on for the performance. Just like always.”

With a deep sigh, the manager (Rob?) responded, “I like you. I like him. I don’t like the rumors I hear about the alcohol. We are going to have to put some more stringent language about showing up for rehearsals in his next contract.”

“We can talk about that after he kills tonight, I promise, Rob. But, to be perfectly frank with you, this week has been tough for him. He is leaving tomorrow morning to attend his ex’s wedding. There are some deeply personal extenuating circumstances at play.”

The volume of the conversation ebbed after that, but seemed to end amicably enough.

Not-Rob headed to the bar. Eddie followed, simply because he was thirsty. He was not a gossip. He didn’t care about B-list entertainer drama. He did care about hydration.

He settled 3 seats down from Not-Rob, who had ordered a ginger ale. He spent the next half hour watching Not-Rob send texts or emails with increasingly furious energy. 

He couldn’t explain, even to himself, this newly-found penchant for people-watching. Maybe it was simple curiosity? Maybe it was a sliding doors moment courtesy of his doppelgänger? Maybe it was boredom? Whatever it was, he felt a deep lack of closure when Not-Rob left the bar.

Marty found him puzzling over the type of person who would be so deeply hurt by an ex that he couldn’t show up for a seemingly easy and well-paid gig. He lost that train of thought completely once he was expected to compliment Marty’s hair and nails. But the rest of the trip, he felt a vague sense of sadness and unease. 

He felt like he had forgotten to take care of something important.


	4. I got rain

Most days, Eddie was perfectly fine with his life. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t terrible. He was relatively affluent, healthy-ish, and happy-ish. 

Today was not one of those days. Eddie had woken up late, feeling tired. The migraine he had had the night before was still hanging on. He couldn’t get his tie to sit right. He was out of oat milk creamer. 

Needless to say, his road rage on the way to work was impressively profane, even by Eddie Kaspbrak standards.

The point of no return for Eddie’s bad mood came when he stepped out of his car and was immediately splashed by a passing car driving through a puddle in the parking deck. 

After unleashing an extensive stream of words describing the driver, Eddie put on his most stoic face and made it with no incident to his office.

Once behind closed doors, Eddie let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was days like this that made him feel lonely. Going home to Myra was fine—they made a good team, even if he had never been in love with her. But on a rainy day like today, she would fuss over him more than usual. It reminded him of Ma, which was unpleasant on multiple levels. He would end up under the covers in the guest room with a dinner tray and a hot water bottle. 

It felt cruel to begrudge Marty for trying to take care of him—she had never once made a mistake in grocery shopping around his allergies and dietary restrictions—but his bad mood made him petulant. He wanted love, and he didn’t understand why he couldn’t have it. (Well, probably, his neuroses and health concerns made him unlovable, but that was too much to consider today.) Eddie felt like half a person. He had the practical half of a personality—efficiency, politeness, skill. But he felt like the real emotions, the passion, had been hollowed out of him. On days like today, he felt he might run away and find that part of him. As though his passion was personified. As though his soul had been split in two. 

Then, his new administrative assistant (no one would work his desk for more than 6 months) brought him an oat milk latte, and he forced himself back into work mode.

The nagging sense of loneliness didn’t dissipate until he fell asleep that night.


	5. Now I’m a believer

Eddie Kaspbrak’s epiphany came at the worst possible time.

He had thrown part of a garden fence at some sort of alien god of evil and kissed his best friend out of the Deadlights. Then he sat back on his heels, still straddling Richie Tozier, and he realized he had been in love once. And, in fact, he was still in love. 

He vaguely heard Stan yelling, then Richie rolled them behind a rock. At that point, Eddie remembered he had more pressing issues than determining how New York State defined infidelity, since he didn’t want to violate his pre-nup. 

After a bunch of yelling and running and swimming in contaminated water, the Lucky Seven were safely in the Townhouse. Sitting, talking with his best friends squeezed every drop of loneliness Eddie had ever felt right out of him. Not only did these people know him, he finally knew himself. There could be no greater feeling.

Eventually, the adrenaline rush faded, and all of them remembered they were forty and needed sleep. But Eddie couldn’t rest until he told Richie about his epiphany. He had lied to himself and been lied to by outside forces, and he was just ready for some truth to cut through the bullshit. He would rather have Richie reject him honestly than live another moment as the half-person he had been.

Thus, Eddie Kaspbrak knocked on Richie Tozier’s door, stormed past him, and began monologuing without so much as a glance at his audience.

“Richie, the last 27 years of my life have been empty. I’ve done everything I was supposed to do. I took care of Ma, got a good job, married a nice girl. But it was hollow. No. I was hollow. It was all perfectly risk analyzed, but none of it had me behind it. I had been erased by It. It took my memories, and It took my ability to live fully. I’m done with that fucking bullshit. I’m goddamn tired of feeling lonely and feeling inadequate and feeling scared. Fuck the clown, fuck what I’m supposed to do. The kiss I gave you to get you out of the Deadlights had more passion than my six fucking perfectly fucking acceptable years of marriage. I’m sick of settling, I love you.”

Eddie finally caught Richie’s eye. Richie, who had a blank look in his eye that rivaled his time in the Deadlights. Richie, normally so chatty, who had given only a small gasp during Eddie’s tirade. Richie, the love of Eddie’s life. 

Richie closed his mouth. He opened it again. Then he closed it, stepped forward, and kissed Eddie. Richie Tozier was kissing Eddie Kaspbrak. 

And Eddie Kaspbrak kissed back.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I’m on Twitter @artemislcwest, where I mostly tweet about SMAUs.


End file.
